Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Tears run faster than my feet

This is about as much action as my running shoes have seen recently, though I hope to take them on an outing today.  I love my new running shoes and I am sorry to neglect them.

My father passed away on October 12.  He was 90, living in a nursing home, and in many ways his death was not a surprise. Grief has been the surprising part.  Somewhere in my subconscious I must have been holding onto the magical thought that so long as my father was alive, he might someday "get better" and return to being the father I had known and loved for so many years.  (If you've not read The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion, I highly recommend it. I need to go re-read it.)

In the days right after his death, the only time the tears would come was when I was out running.  That was both a relief and a challenge for me, so my runs were shorter, and sometimes the sobbing would require I stop to catch my breath.  That was excuse number 1 for avoiding running. Then there was all the busy-ness that comes with preparing for and carrying out all the ceremony of saying goodbye. Excuse number two. Finally, there were a couple of days of unbearable anger at the world.  Excuse number three, and the feeblest of them all.

And now I feel ready, I hope, to start putting one running foot in front of the other, and restart my training.  Wish me luck.

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